Sunday, October 30, 2011

Conversation snapshot


“It was very sweet of her to say that.”

Not exactly right to say that her words
are as sweet as over-ripe strawberries
or candy cane on Christmas eve
after a turkey ham and cheese sandwich;

too sweet, as a matter of fact, it makes your molars
weep at the roots and your fillings vibrate like
they've been touched by tuning forks, bringing a sharp
pitch to the ears like the whirl of a dentist drill.


“I don't think so.”


A number of my work are conversational snapshots. I had this one in draft and thought I share it.

Submitted for dVerse Poetics: Call and Response. I already read a few on that link list, and they are excellent. Even if you don't join, I urge you visit and read the poems listed there.


libithina said...

'too sweet' 'makes your molars
weep at the roots and your fillings vibrate like
they've been touched by tuning forks, bringing a sharp
pitch to the ears like the whirl of a dentist drill.'
Ouch ~ went right through me ~
the sound of that drill ~
how apt ~ 'tuning forks' ~
Nope not sweet at all ~
must have said that through gritted teeth :) ~
brilliant ~
~ Lib ~

Mary said...

Ah, some words are indeed just TOOOO sweet.

Anonymous said...

Eeuww! Your images convey the thought really well. K.

Brian Miller said...

where did my comment go...hmmm...

yes sometimes sweet becomes too sweet...and rather painful as you describe...vivid in your description...smiles.

Ravenblack said...

libithina, Mary, manicdaily and Brian: thanks for visiting. Hope I didn't give you guys too much of a toothache. ;)

Brian: Blogspot acting up again, I think.

Anonymous said...

In case my last comment got lost - I love this - the unstated behind a conversation, the unexpressed :)

Anonymous said...

As we say here 'kill them with kindness'. Evocative poem that gave me shivers, great write!

Claudia said...

i agree - there is a too sweet which leaves a bitter taste..well penned..

Fred said...

Nice piece Raven. It's definitely a nice snippet of conversation. I love starting scenes already in progress, it gives serves a number of purposes but anyhow this piece has that feel and really like how you the piece is set up and carried out. Great job, thanks

Laurie Kolp said...

ouch! reminds me of an abscessed tooth I once had... some "sweet" people can be that way, too

Victoria said...

I just love that 2nd stanza...the vibrating fillings? Bwa ha ha!

Ravenblack said...

Thanks for the comments and feedback, everyone. :)

Anonymous said...

Sweet can be too sweet, oooh your fillings getting hit by a tuning fork...ugh...I felt that!

Mama Zen said...

Oh, this is perfect!

Ravenblack said...

pandamoniumcat and MamaZen: Thank you both!

Anonymous said...

Next time I read a saccharine poem I'm gonna feel it in my fillings!

Ed Pilolla said...

i like it. you balance the very sweet taste with an acutely painful trip to the dentist. it's powerful that way, for me anyway.

Ravenblack said...

Dark Angel: I sincerely hope not! :D

Ed: Thanks for the visit and feedback.

Recently had been to the dentist. Luckily everything is fine.

Sweeter said...

too sweet gets creepy here
Great one snap

feel kinda Sorry about my name!

Ravenblack said...

Sweeter: :D

It's when they don't really mean it. :) Thanks for the visit!

The Old Raven said...

Ravenblack, this is very inventive! I like it.

Ravenblack said...

Thank you, Old Raven! :)