Sunday, September 16, 2012

Reasons for tears are often more than of joy or sorrow


The First Good Cry

Never again to feel the sharp bite of rattan on the skin of legs;
never again to trigger a roar of rage, a fiery wind howling guilt
and awful shame as pencil cases get thrown out the window
or watch books flung against walls for failures underlined

in red.

In the embrace of my mother and my father's sister, I cried
freely, free
for once; no one told me to hush,
no one told me to stop crying,
for once, it was alright to cry
audibly, shamelessly.

"Mercy, all will be alright." was all
his sister could say. "Poor thing."

Mother wept; I'm not sure if she was sorry for me
or for hardships she saw lying ahead. Surely,
she wouldn't miss him after the many times
she had thought to leave, only to stay out of duty
to a daughter and a husband -- a man with a rage
always at his throat, a rage that grew

into a cancer that ate him at the neck;

the mercy... I cried, I think,
out of relief.


Posted for DVerse Poetics - First Times. Hosted by Fred Rutherford. :)


Unknown said...

powerful piece Raven. So glad you shared it with us, really a great job of illustrating your emotions here. Great read. Thanks

Claudia said...

so powerful..the emotions just jump from the page.. i could tell a long story now but just leave it with this...i really get this..really

John (@bookdreamer) said...

Captures the pain of a loss when the loss is not fully regretted

Ravenblack said...

Fred, Claudia, John, thanks for reading and for your comments.

Brian Miller said...

whew....the dichotomy of feelings between you and your mother...esp in light of the harsh personality that just passed....the relief at your fathers passing...her perseverence for duty and honor...there is a lot to this....told really well..

Marbles in My Pocket said...

Powerful write, and one I can relate to. You express all the feelings very well.

Scarlet said...

You walloped me right away with strong and emotional scenes, failures underlined in red

Then finally, the ending lines clinching the piece....mercy and relief, fruits of death.

Powerful and moving post ~

Daydreamertoo said...

Oh, this feels so much like Karma to me. We get back what we give out in this life, so we'd better give good. Ironic that his voice was angry, loud, abusive and he lost it to cancer.
My step-father was a monster in many ways. He died riddled with cancer and I was a wreck for the confusion of emotions I went through Guilt, relief.
This bought it all back. I'm glad yours and your mothers nightmare ended
Very powerful poem.

Sabio Lantz said...

Wow -- "Rattan" -- SE Asia?
Is beating children with the cane common in your area?
Was throat cancer your 'father' chewing Paan?

Understanding his horrible death as a consequence of his horrible rage and violence is, I am sure, helpful.

Fantastic writing -- thank you.

Unknown said...

Oh, now I have cried, from empathy and knowing. I deeply admire your courage and this potent, necessary, and affecting poem.

Anonymous said...

Such a powerful vivid poem. It's just so well told, and such a poignant story. Very good. k.

Anonymous said...

This one grabbed me by the throat too.

Anonymous said...

So sad, and the outpouring of emotion held back - there is nothing as soothing as a good long cry.

Anonymous said...

So powerfull and emotional, my heart ached. Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Powerful, emotional, real...death pus everything into perspective, and regardless of relationships during life (and by this I mean those that are strained) doesn't mean that we miss the departed any less....powerful poem....I felt it and loved it

Sherry Blue Sky said...

I relate COMPLETELY to this poem. Your mom had a hard time with him, but still there would be tears of sorrow for all things might have been, I'm sure. I felt relief when my dad died too. Couldnt help it. It meant his beating my mom was over. Her heart broke though when he died. She loved him.

You are strong and brave. Thanks for the share.

Anonymous said...

Full of emotion, conflict.

Laurie Kolp said...

To grow up in a home of rage is like cancer.

Ravenblack said...

Thanks for your comments everyone. I appreciated your reads.

Sabio: No. My father never chewed Betel, but he was a smoker. And yes, in my day, it was common for parents to beat their children with rattan canes. Those canes used to be common sight in markets but I don't see them anymore. He was brought up the same way.

Sherry: thank you.

Lydia said...

This came from your very soul, as surely those tears did. Phenomenal.

Bodhirose said...

I don't think it's any coincidence that cancer took him by the throat. I love how you were supported in your crying. What a powerful share, Ravenblack,...some of which I can relate to as one who grew up with "toxic" parents.

Ravenblack said...

Thanks Lydia and Gayle.