Thursday, April 16, 2015

The daily commute


Morning Train

Sharing air,
everyone's breaths
half breaths.


There's no escaping
the clash of perfumes:
sour flowers,
sour faces.


How many bells does it take
to tell ? everyone


Packing it in, they made room
for one more
before the train doors sigh shut.


Finally on our way
frame by frame,
the gallery moves on.


Shared at Poets United's Poetry Pantry.

updated 09 Nov 2015


Sumana Roy said...

"frame by frame, / the gallery moves on."...could feel the movement..

Dr. Pearl Ketover Prilik (PKP) said...

Love the spar vivid images that speak to a metaphor for life itself. "Doors closing". ... Powerful work

Dr. Pearl Ketover Prilik (PKP) said...

Should have read spare and stark

Ravenblack said...

Thanks for reading and commenting, Sumana and Dr. Pearl.

Mary said...

You have certainly captured the experience of being on a train! Love the description of the clash of perfumes...definitely would smell like sour flowers when all mixed together. Ha. And yes, sharing air....sometimes difficult in such closed space.

Old Egg said...

I loved the gallery of of faces as the train windows passed by.

Jae Rose said...

at first it feels stifling and claustrophobic - and then it's almost like you are all in there together in your shared morning story - such an interesting poem

Björn Rudberg said...

A crowded train and sharing of the air.. Sometimes really a nightmare.. Sometimes we feel that movement taking us away or home,

Gabriella said...

Great poem! You have very convincingly expressed why I am glad I do not have to commute by train in the morning. Your evocative poem reminded me of the Paris metro, not something I'd miss.

Vandana Sharma said...

I can relate with t this, have to take a bus to may work place.

Marcoantonio Arellano said...

well penned my friend. i especially liked...door sighs shut/Finally on our way
frame by frame,
the gallery moves on.

simple yet quite pictoral in its


Magaly Guerrero said...

Love these snippets of life... as if shown through a shutter.

Sanaa Rizvi said...

Fiery & powerful.. the two elements that make this wonderful poem of yours :D Loved it!

R.K. Garon said...

I did like this a lot...Cool!

Nataša Dolenc said...

the gallery moves on.. that's an interesting way of seeing.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Oh you have captured that crowded subway. I remember!

Claudia said...

very cool haikus... i used to commute for a while to work... unfortunately didn't wrtie poetry back then... you capture those little moments so well here

C.C. said...

"the clash of perfumes"--ugh, yuck....I can almost smell it now!!!

Donna@LivingFromHappiness said...

Oh you have captured these full, tight, over-crowded commutes perfectly!

Thotpurge said...

Love the last one!

Rosemary Nissen-Wade said...

Long time since I did train commuting, but I remember it well and you have nailed it. I particularly like 'doors sigh shut' because that's just how it is, and I don't think I've come across anyone else describing it so exactly.

Ravenblack said...

Thanks everyone for your wonderful feedback and comments.

I do find the trains are too crowded and filled with rather aggressive people. I take the bus to work these days even though that means I have to leave the house a little earlier. I think it's best to start the work day in a good mood.:)

totomai said...

as someone who takes the train everyday, i really like this one. very well observed snippets and the framing line is absolutely gorgeous.

Gillena Cox said...

sketchy vignettes, oh so commonplace, and obviously overlooked by so many, yet you gathered them here for us

thanks for sharing, have a good week

much love...

G L Meisner said...

So glad that isn't my commute.

nan said...

Terrific write! Great imagery and the last two stanzas are really great. I could hear the train doors sighing shut...and have often seen that gallery whir by.