***
Interruptions
As the bus cuts
through the storm,
early morning rain
scrubs down bus
windows, distorting
tail-lights, headlights
street lights, merge,
breaking along highways,
highlights
dim crossings
of passers-by.
Concussed,
head knocking
gently against the glass
laptop against his chest
like a rag doll
slumped over
a boy dreams
of frisbee and barbecues
by the beach
palm trees, dumb jokes
beer and chips.
The phone chimes
a man wakes,
he holds it up like a mirror;
by his blue-lit weary face
you can tell which day this
is not.
***
Posted to dVerse Open Link Night #38. Friends, I hope you share your poems there if you got one. Lots to read and great company. :)
19 comments:
Sounds like a day I'd rather stay in bed, but sadly it is one where we have to go to the rat race.
Exquisitely observed, I could even smell the rain! I love the holding up the cell phone like a mirror.
keen observations. i like the way you described the man holding up a phone like a mirror. many people do that. :)
ah, weekends. i do look forward to them, but as i am doing shifts, some weekends are 'burnt'. :(
Great observations Raven. Love the way you went beyond observation alone though. The a boy dreams down is getting into a character's head, and great job doing it, yet I am definitely feeling this character is real. Outstanding job. Thanks
Thanks for the great comments and feedback. I'm glad this worked for you guys.
It's that kind of morning this morning too. And yeah, I wish I don't have to go...but well, even if there is no race, I need to get my cheese. :)
ha. love all the observations on the bus...the people...and the end is wonderful, which day it is not...as it was a little unexpected...
It seems to me that there's been an accident and a father is receiving bad news. In that light, the description in these lines is perfect:
"The phone chimes
a man wakes,
he holds it up like a mirror"
rosemarymint.wordpress.com
This brings life in the humdrum daily routine right to the mind's eye. I could almost feel the gentle tap, tap tapping of his head on the glass as the bus rock and rolled along the road.
Lovely imagery!
Great sense of the heavy everyday weight of things, the detail adding up to overwhelm--I can see those unfocused commuter eyes glazing, see the child able to dream his way out.
Keen observations....nicely penned.
Wonderfully observed and recounted! Really lovely images and sense about this piece--
Wonderful. Made me feel edgy. Loved every line. One of your best!
really cool...i loved watching those morning commuters through your eyes..great closure...and..frisbee and barbecues by the beach...would say yes to both of them rather to commute to my workplace in a bit..
Brian, Rosemary, Daydreamer, Ayala, Audrey, Cyg and Claudia: thank you for your feedback and reactions to my piece. I greatly appreciate it. :)
Man's got to do what man's got to do.The rice bowl needs replenishing!
Keen observation!
Hank
... and we all have those days... nice capture
very astute, very visual.... you really make me see it. :) love the unexpectedness of the ending.
Kaykuala, Wolfrosebud, Joanna: thanks for reading and for your comments. Cheers to you all. :)
Nice observation.. I like the way you say .. holding phone like a mirror and now i shall remember how to.. Nice descriptions.. feels i am part of the bus.
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