Tuesday, April 3, 2012

NaPoWriMo 3: We live for weekends

***

Interruptions

As the bus cuts
through the storm,

early morning rain
scrubs down bus

windows, distorting
tail-lights, headlights
street lights, merge,
breaking along highways,

highlights
dim crossings
of passers-by.

Concussed,

head knocking
gently against the glass
laptop against his chest

like a rag doll
slumped over

a boy dreams
of frisbee and barbecues
by the beach
palm trees, dumb jokes
beer and chips.

The phone chimes
a man wakes,

he holds it up like a mirror;

by his blue-lit weary face
you can tell which day this

is not.


***

Posted to dVerse Open Link Night #38. Friends, I hope you share your poems there if you got one. Lots to read and great company. :)

19 comments:

Pat Hatt said...

Sounds like a day I'd rather stay in bed, but sadly it is one where we have to go to the rat race.

chromapoesy.com said...

Exquisitely observed, I could even smell the rain! I love the holding up the cell phone like a mirror.

dsnake1 said...

keen observations. i like the way you described the man holding up a phone like a mirror. many people do that. :)

ah, weekends. i do look forward to them, but as i am doing shifts, some weekends are 'burnt'. :(

Fred Rutherford said...

Great observations Raven. Love the way you went beyond observation alone though. The a boy dreams down is getting into a character's head, and great job doing it, yet I am definitely feeling this character is real. Outstanding job. Thanks

Ravenblack said...

Thanks for the great comments and feedback. I'm glad this worked for you guys.

It's that kind of morning this morning too. And yeah, I wish I don't have to go...but well, even if there is no race, I need to get my cheese. :)

Brian Miller said...

ha. love all the observations on the bus...the people...and the end is wonderful, which day it is not...as it was a little unexpected...

Anonymous said...

It seems to me that there's been an accident and a father is receiving bad news. In that light, the description in these lines is perfect:

"The phone chimes
a man wakes,

he holds it up like a mirror"

rosemarymint.wordpress.com

Daydreamertoo said...

This brings life in the humdrum daily routine right to the mind's eye. I could almost feel the gentle tap, tap tapping of his head on the glass as the bus rock and rolled along the road.
Lovely imagery!

hedgewitch said...

Great sense of the heavy everyday weight of things, the detail adding up to overwhelm--I can see those unfocused commuter eyes glazing, see the child able to dream his way out.

ayala said...

Keen observations....nicely penned.

Audrey Howitt aka Divalounger said...

Wonderfully observed and recounted! Really lovely images and sense about this piece--

CygnetSeven said...

Wonderful. Made me feel edgy. Loved every line. One of your best!

Claudia said...

really cool...i loved watching those morning commuters through your eyes..great closure...and..frisbee and barbecues by the beach...would say yes to both of them rather to commute to my workplace in a bit..

Ravenblack said...

Brian, Rosemary, Daydreamer, Ayala, Audrey, Cyg and Claudia: thank you for your feedback and reactions to my piece. I greatly appreciate it. :)

kaykuala said...

Man's got to do what man's got to do.The rice bowl needs replenishing!
Keen observation!


Hank

Wolfsrosebud said...

... and we all have those days... nice capture

joanna said...

very astute, very visual.... you really make me see it. :) love the unexpectedness of the ending.

Ravenblack said...

Kaykuala, Wolfrosebud, Joanna: thanks for reading and for your comments. Cheers to you all. :)

Divya said...

Nice observation.. I like the way you say .. holding phone like a mirror and now i shall remember how to.. Nice descriptions.. feels i am part of the bus.