We were so clearly defined: we loved;
and the goal – till death, together
down this road everyone calls life.
No one told us, there would be forks,
detours, sidetracks, shortcuts, scenic
distractions – so many ways to go
so many ways to get lost;
no one said, there might be sections
closed because of construction or
accidents or simply (No Thru Road)
because the road leads to nowhere
except to an edge of cliff that looks down
to a wide open ocean with no way
to get to the beach. We thought we could
go on forever the day we left
with cans dragging,rattling behind us
and our families and friends waving
goodbye, wishing us happiness;
we thought that was all we needed
for fuel –- good luck -- we took no map
because we wanted an adventure
but the car b r o k e down
and neither of us wanted to get out
to push, as if blame would haul us
back but all it did was put us to
the side of the road. I sat on the curb
looking at the broken painted lines
of this road, while you sat in the car
waiting for the engines to cool off.
39 comments:
Ravenblack, this poem is constructed in a very interesting way. I like the broken rhythm. It draws the reader to your reflections more closely. A new rhythm you've created in your experience of poetic reflection! Very Cool!
I like the look--very concrete and classic typewriter--and the effect.
very creative, well done.
Thanks.
Visual in all senses... I really love it!
I love the visual look and how your write can be real or a metaphor. Pretty cool. : )
I totally believe the effect that you were shooting for with a perfect shot.
:)
Luna
Cindy, miriamswell, Jingle, seabell, thingy and lunawitch -- thanks for your comment and I'm glad you all liked the visual form for this one. :)
I like the way this is structured. It fits the words so well. Nice storytelling too!
The theme is tried and true and you've presented it in a new thought-provoking format--thoroughly enjoyed it!
Yes, it was decidedly.... different and, made all the more interesting for the 'break's
Wouldn't have wanted to have been sat there waiting for the engine to cool down though. :)
Thanks for visiting me.
Charles, wordcoaster and daydreamer: thanks very much for your comments. :)
Witnessed this style of poem for the first time and found it pretty interesting and your words very thoughtful!
Alcina
this is interesting, normally the breaks are vertically, but you are doing it horizontally, and the whole poem seems to be encased in a container. certainly worth experimenting.
i like the imagery in this poem, it could be about life itself, but then why do i keep thinking of bonnie & clyde? :)
I hope you have a better car by now. What a day to remember.. smiles...
The road of love is indeed rocky; especially if only two are involved in the journey. The form was captivating.
Alcina, dsnake, booguloo and mindsinger: thanks for your wonderful comments and feedback on my piece.
dsnake: it initially looked like a giant block of text which was rather monotonous to read, so I thought I play around with the space to see what effect it will have on the reading. I have to admit I was a bit unsure if it might be too gimmicky.
Thank goodness the weekend is here. :) I can now take time to visit you all in return.
I enjoyed the commitment and what lay between.
Genebrother
Thanks for the comment, Genebrother. :)
An inventive way to look at the path of a relationship. I think you are good with themes of relationship and partings in the modern world, judging from this and your week 47 entry, "Parting Ways."
Thank you, by the way, for the Week 48 nomination.
nice...visually appealing...cant make out what the voids are supposed to make but it gives a cool eefect that play off the title and closing line...as for the verse, it is well spun...very nice ravenblack...
I agree with cindyeksuzian. The construction and broken rhythm is interesting. Very nice.
I love the form it's really powerful, heart-breaking and beautifully written
Elaine: I tend to hold on to old feelings sometimes even though things have moved on I guess. I want friends for life but it cannot always be like that as things and people and goals change. Thanks for your comment.
Brian: Appreciated your thoughts on this. Thank you.
jennifaye and mindlovemisery -- thanks for coming by and leaving comments also. :)
I really like the construction of this poem, it's not something that is done often, but you did it very well. I enjoyed the little story that went with it, and the spaces really helped to emphasize a thought of an emotion. Great job!
Great poem this, love the use of both the metaphorical road and the literal journey, very well combined.
The Lonely Recluse.
cusemymetalbody and lonelyrecluse: thank you for your comments! :)
i love how your broken sentences add to your powerful poem, very well said and very well presented, great stuff
Thank you for visit and nice comment, scatterednonsense.
What an interesting journey through your poem! Cool :)
Thanks for the comment, bendedspoon. :)
I'm sorry I missed this in the Rally, I enjoyed your spaces and the halting phrases. It reminded me of the first time my husband drove an automatic. It was our first wedding anniversary and he jolted me so many times in one block I made him get out and let me drive. You picked a rich metaphor, well done.
:D
Thanks for the visit and thanks for sharing your story, chromapoesy. :)
I am interested in how the breaks you have created have crafted a sort of swerving motion throughout the poem, like a car skidding back and forth. Interesting. The story is well - presented and compelling.
Creative presentation concept!
Very creative formatting, cool effect.
Nicely done.
I often write a poem and look back on it as a visual shape and am surprised by its appearance...I might try to 'shape' it first to see what happens! what a wonderful technique. =)
Melle: thanks for your feedback. :)
thrivewithra and Chelsea: thanks for your comments.
yummycheffarley: I too am fascinated sometimes by how shape and spaces might affect reading, adding to the experience of the matter being written about. I often try to do that.
I don't think I'll do anything like this ever again. I think I've gone a little too far. lol :)
Really enjoyed the format and loved the last lines. Great writting!
Thanks for the comment, themslvh.
Post a Comment