Thursday, July 28, 2011

Down that road

Personally, I think the poem is a bit of an old tale, but I had fun playing around with spaces trying to create a visual effect.


Broken Lines

We were so clearly defined:      we loved;
and      the goal – till death,   together
down  this road      everyone  calls life.
No one told   us, there    would be forks,
detours,  sidetracks,  shortcuts,   scenic
distractions –    so many       ways to go
so many ways      to get             lost;
no one      said, there might be  sections
closed    because       of construction or
accidents    or simply      (No Thru Road)
because     the road leads      to nowhere
except to an edge of cliff that looks down
to a     wide open    ocean    with no way
to get to the beach.   We thought we could
go on     forever the day          we left
with cans   dragging,rattling    behind us
and our families        and friends waving
goodbye,     wishing         us happiness;
we thought      that was all     we needed 
for fuel  –- good luck --   we took no map
because       we wanted an       adventure
but   the     car          b r o k e  down
and neither  of  us   wanted    to get out
to push,      as if    blame would haul us
back but all      it did     was put us to 
the side   of the road. I sat  on the curb
looking at   the broken      painted lines
of this road, while you sat in     the car
waiting    for the engines    to cool off.


Inspired by HVP's photo "Park Between The Lines"

Submitted for Thursday Poets Rally Week 49.

39 comments:

cindyeksuzian said...

Ravenblack, this poem is constructed in a very interesting way. I like the broken rhythm. It draws the reader to your reflections more closely. A new rhythm you've created in your experience of poetic reflection! Very Cool!

miriamswell said...

I like the look--very concrete and classic typewriter--and the effect.

Jingle said...

very creative, well done.
Thanks.

seabell said...

Visual in all senses... I really love it!

thingy said...

I love the visual look and how your write can be real or a metaphor. Pretty cool. : )

lunawitch15 said...

I totally believe the effect that you were shooting for with a perfect shot.

:)

Luna

Ravenblack said...

Cindy, miriamswell, Jingle, seabell, thingy and lunawitch -- thanks for your comment and I'm glad you all liked the visual form for this one. :)

charleslmashburn said...

I like the way this is structured. It fits the words so well. Nice storytelling too!

wordcoaster said...

The theme is tried and true and you've presented it in a new thought-provoking format--thoroughly enjoyed it!

Daydreamertoo said...

Yes, it was decidedly.... different and, made all the more interesting for the 'break's

Wouldn't have wanted to have been sat there waiting for the engine to cool down though. :)
Thanks for visiting me.

Ravenblack said...

Charles, wordcoaster and daydreamer: thanks very much for your comments. :)

Alcina said...

Witnessed this style of poem for the first time and found it pretty interesting and your words very thoughtful!

Alcina

dsnake1 said...

this is interesting, normally the breaks are vertically, but you are doing it horizontally, and the whole poem seems to be encased in a container. certainly worth experimenting.

i like the imagery in this poem, it could be about life itself, but then why do i keep thinking of bonnie & clyde? :)

booguloo said...

I hope you have a better car by now. What a day to remember.. smiles...

mindsinger said...

The road of love is indeed rocky; especially if only two are involved in the journey. The form was captivating.

Ravenblack said...

Alcina, dsnake, booguloo and mindsinger: thanks for your wonderful comments and feedback on my piece.

dsnake: it initially looked like a giant block of text which was rather monotonous to read, so I thought I play around with the space to see what effect it will have on the reading. I have to admit I was a bit unsure if it might be too gimmicky.

Thank goodness the weekend is here. :) I can now take time to visit you all in return.

genebrother said...

I enjoyed the commitment and what lay between.
Genebrother

Ravenblack said...

Thanks for the comment, Genebrother. :)

elainedanforth said...

An inventive way to look at the path of a relationship. I think you are good with themes of relationship and partings in the modern world, judging from this and your week 47 entry, "Parting Ways."

Thank you, by the way, for the Week 48 nomination.

Brian Miller said...

nice...visually appealing...cant make out what the voids are supposed to make but it gives a cool eefect that play off the title and closing line...as for the verse, it is well spun...very nice ravenblack...

jennifaye said...

I agree with cindyeksuzian. The construction and broken rhythm is interesting. Very nice.

mindlovemisery said...

I love the form it's really powerful, heart-breaking and beautifully written

Ravenblack said...

Elaine: I tend to hold on to old feelings sometimes even though things have moved on I guess. I want friends for life but it cannot always be like that as things and people and goals change. Thanks for your comment.

Brian: Appreciated your thoughts on this. Thank you.

jennifaye and mindlovemisery -- thanks for coming by and leaving comments also. :)

cursemymetalbody said...

I really like the construction of this poem, it's not something that is done often, but you did it very well. I enjoyed the little story that went with it, and the spaces really helped to emphasize a thought of an emotion. Great job!

lonelyrecluse said...

Great poem this, love the use of both the metaphorical road and the literal journey, very well combined.
The Lonely Recluse.

Ravenblack said...

cusemymetalbody and lonelyrecluse: thank you for your comments! :)

scatterednonsensemyblog said...

i love how your broken sentences add to your powerful poem, very well said and very well presented, great stuff

Ravenblack said...

Thank you for visit and nice comment, scatterednonsense.

bendedspoon said...

What an interesting journey through your poem! Cool :)

Ravenblack said...

Thanks for the comment, bendedspoon. :)

chromapoesy.com said...

I'm sorry I missed this in the Rally, I enjoyed your spaces and the halting phrases. It reminded me of the first time my husband drove an automatic. It was our first wedding anniversary and he jolted me so many times in one block I made him get out and let me drive. You picked a rich metaphor, well done.

Ravenblack said...

:D

Thanks for the visit and thanks for sharing your story, chromapoesy. :)

Melle said...

I am interested in how the breaks you have created have crafted a sort of swerving motion throughout the poem, like a car skidding back and forth. Interesting. The story is well - presented and compelling.

thrivewithra said...

Creative presentation concept!

Chelsea Bets said...

Very creative formatting, cool effect.

Nicely done.

yummycheffarley said...

I often write a poem and look back on it as a visual shape and am surprised by its appearance...I might try to 'shape' it first to see what happens! what a wonderful technique. =)

Ravenblack said...

Melle: thanks for your feedback. :)

thrivewithra and Chelsea: thanks for your comments.

yummycheffarley: I too am fascinated sometimes by how shape and spaces might affect reading, adding to the experience of the matter being written about. I often try to do that.


I don't think I'll do anything like this ever again. I think I've gone a little too far. lol :)

themslvh said...

Really enjoyed the format and loved the last lines. Great writting!

Ravenblack said...

Thanks for the comment, themslvh.